


Love on the Brain

by HazHas4Nips



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Aftercare, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blowjobs, Bottom Zayn, Butt Plugs, Canon Compliant, Collars, Daddy Kink, Depressed Zayn, Established Relationship, Insecure Zayn, M/M, Mentions of Past PR Relationships, Reminiscing, Restraints, Shy Zayn, Subspace, Top Liam, Zayn Malik in Panties, and also "desperate", gratuitous uses of the word "baby", handjobs, mentions of self harm, smoking cigarettes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 12:16:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16492436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazHas4Nips/pseuds/HazHas4Nips
Summary: This story is part of The Ziam Club's Song Lyrics Challenge, for the prompt "Love on the Brain" by Rihanna. To read more of the amazing fics by the other writers participating  on this challenge,click hereZayn has a rough day and needs his Daddy to take care of him.





	Love on the Brain

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading!!!! This is my first fic for an exchange, and it was a great experience. The moderators were incredible and so helpful. Make sure to check out the other fics in this exchange. 
> 
>  
> 
> As always, this is a complete work of fiction. Nothing that happens in the story is real, and I do not claim to think it's real.
> 
> This fic is about depression, and I wrote a lot of it based on my own experiences with depression. That being said, obviously no one has the same experience of depression, so what I feel and wrote about might not look like someone else's depression. Like I said, I do not claim to know anything about the real people in this story and their mental health. It's a complete work of fiction. 
> 
> If you liked it, please leave a comment and kudos. If you didn't like it, don't be mean please. I'm fragile. 
> 
> If there's something you feel should be tagged and I missed it, please let me know. 
> 
> Happy reading!!!

 

 

_And you got me, let go_  
_What you want from me? (What you want from me?)_  
 _And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high_

_Baby you got me like oh_   
_You love when I fall apart (fall apart)_   
_So you can put me together_   
_And throw me against the wall_

_Baby you got me like ah, woo, ah_  
_Don't you stop loving me (loving me)_  
_Don't quit loving me (loving me)_  
_Just start loving me (loving me)_

 

_Oh, and baby I'm fist fighting with fire_  
_Just to get close to you_  
_Can we burn something, babe?_  
_And I run for miles just to get a taste_  
_Must be love on the brain_  
_That's got me feeling this way (feeling this way)_  
_It beats me black and blue but it fucks me so good_  
_And I can't get enough_  
_Must be love on the brain yeah_  
_And it keeps cursing my name (cursing my name)_  
_No matter what I do, I'm no good without you_  
_And I can't get enough_  
_Must be love on the brain_

_Baby, keep loving me_  
_Just love me, yeah_  
_Just love me_  
_All you need to do is love me, yeah_  
_Got me like ah-ah-ah-ow_  
_I'm tired of being played like a violin_  
_What do I gotta do to get in your motherfuckin' heart?_

 

Taking a deep inhale of the cigarette at his lips, Zayn imagines blowing out and expelling all the bad thoughts alongside the smoke. It’s a bit chilly this high up on the balcony of his Manhattan penthouse, now that fall has finally started to arrive, so he zips his hoodie up all the way, nuzzling his chin down into his chest to try to conserve some body heat. He doesn’t mind the cold; in fact, it helps him feel more clear-headed and in the moment.

He takes another puff of the cig, tilting his head back and watching as the smoke he blows out floats up and away. He tries to focus on the taste of the smoke, the tiny buzz of the nicotine, the cold breeze his hoodie barely protects him from, anything to keep his mind off the negative thoughts threatening to tear him up inside.

He’s just gotten home from a meeting with his management and producers, and he’d immediately gone straight out to the balcony, in desperate need of a cig... or three apparently.

It had been yet another utterly frustrating and completely demoralizing meeting; the higher ups telling him they needed to postpone his second album for whatever bullshit reason they had come up with today.

It’s been like this through the entire process of making his second album; when he thinks that they’re actually getting close to being able to release the album he’s been working on for so long and really poured his entire being into, they just take three steps back and delay the release further.

As Zayn stubs out the butt of his cig, he can’t help but wonder, not for the first time, whether he made the right decision going into a career in the fucked up music industry. Why had he ever thought that being rich and famous would be worth the constant scrutiny and control he is always under? Maybe he should have just been a street artist, barely scraping by to make a living, but at least he’d be in control of his own life.

He feels guilty for even thinking it, but Zayn wonders if this is even worth it at this point. Of course he’s eternally grateful for the opportunities, and he knows that his life is much, much better than the majority of people’s, so that just makes him feel even worse for having all these negative thoughts. He doesn’t want to come off as ungrateful, but he figures he’s allowed to acknowledge his feelings at least, and right now he _feels_ absolutely miserable and trapped in this life.

Imagining a life where he hadn’t tried out for, or hadn’t made it through, the X Factor, Zayn doesn’t actually feel any better. For as many low moments he’s had, he’s had a good moment, too. The bad moments just seem more and more frequent these days, but he definitely doesn’t regret the good things that he’s gotten from being a famous musician.

He’ll never regret being able to support his family, to provide for them in a way he had never imagined possible. When he had first bought his family a new house had been one of the greatest moments of his entire life, and he wouldn’t trade that for anything. To see the look of pride in his mum’s eyes when he’d performed with the group for the first time is another moment that he will treasure forever.

And then of course, there is the greatest thing that has come as a result of his life as a famous musician: Liam.

Zayn pulls out another cigarette, feeling overwhelmed with the sudden need to gain some sort of control over his life that he gets for the few minutes he smokes a cig. He lights it and inhales deeply, staring out at the setting sun behind the tall skyscrapers.

It was a pretty nice deal, he had to admit. This penthouse is beyond his wildest dream, and he frequently found himself, even after all these years, shocked that this is his life, that he had enough money to buy himself this luxurious top floor, two story penthouse.

He takes another drag, not allowing himself to lament the fact that he’d told himself on the way home that he would only have one cigarette, yet here he is starting his fourth. He’s stressed, a mess, and really damn depressed so he can’t be blamed.

He just won’t tell Liam about his chain smoking extravaganza; he can’t bear to see the look of concern tinged with disappointment in his eyes. Liam’s been trying to get them both to quit smoking for awhile, saying he wants them to live a long, healthy life together and doesn’t want to jeopardize that by their filthy addiction to cigs. It’s such a typical Liam thing to say.

Liam.

Yeah, no matter how hard things get, how frustrated he gets with his production team, how maliciously the media destroys his image, no matter what, he can’t be upset about how his life turned out because it lead him to Liam, his beautiful husband.

He reaches over to the side table where he’d dropped his phone earlier, telling himself that he’s just checking the time, even though he knows it’s only an excuse to not feel so pathetic for wanting to see whether Liam’s called or texted him.

It’s 6:23, and also there’s no word from Liam.

He knew there wouldn’t be, but it still hurts.

Zayn takes another inhale of the cig, trying to fill the hole of disappointment in his gut with smoke, knowing it’s fruitless. He just needs to admit to himself that he wants to hear from his husband. That’s not pathetic. That’s super valid.

He knows that it’s nothing personal; Liam’s in New York firstly to promote his new EP (which Zayn is super proud of him for by the way), and his days are jam-packed with interviews and pap walks. Zayn knows Liam barely had a moment of free time today, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be upset that his husband is finally in town after they’ve been apart more often than not, yet they can’t even be together.

Another inhale.

Another exhale.

The smoke drifts away, and Zayn really wallows in self-pity, mulling over how everything in his life has felt like the smoke, drifting away from him, leaving him all alone. Everything except Liam of course.

Zayn knows he’s being pitiful, but he just really, really needs Liam right now. He’s not okay, and he needs the one person who-- well even if he doesn’t totally _get_ what Zayn is going through, he at least respects it and knows after years of practice how to handle Zayn when he gets like this: too stuck in his own head and too self-critical and self-deprecating. And even if Liam hasn’t personally experienced the depression Zayn has, he’s the only one who knows how to get Zayn out of his funk.

But Liam’s busy, and Zayn’s left to his own thoughts. Which is never a good combo.

He pulls his knees up to his chin and curls deeper into the chair. Resting his chin on his knees, he pulls up Li’s contact, smiling sadly at the contact picture he had set for his husband right after they first got together back in 2012. They both look so tiny, carefree, and in love. It pulls at his heartstrings, and even though he wants with his whole being to hit the call button, with a sigh he sets the phone back onto the little side table.

Even though he wants Liam here all to himself and knows Liam would come to him at the drop of a hat, Zayn isn’t going to do that to him. He isn’t going to ruin Liam’s promo time. Liam’s been so damn _happy_ since he arrived in NYC a couple days ago, and he’s so excited to get back out there to promote his music.

And Zayn can’t blame him. He’s also bursting with pride and excitement for his immensely talented husband, and he knows he should be thankful to get any time at all with Liam. It’s incredible that Liam has finally been able to release new music, and Zayn is happy to be over here as Liam’s number one cheerleader.

And, well, it’s not like Zayn’s jealous per say. He’s so so _so_ proud of Liam. He’s not jealous.

But he’s definitely feeling a lot of complex emotions. It’s been bittersweet for him, seeing Liam so happy and successful, going out to various award shows, interviews, photoshoots and just thriving. He’s so happy for Liam but he can’t help comparing himself.

That’s probably it.

He just can’t help compare himself to Liam. So it’s not that he’s jealous of Liam’s success and happiness; he’s just feeling a lot of complicated emotions about the fact that Liam is doing so well, while Zayn feels like he’s stopped making any forward progress in his career or personal life whatsoever.

There’s just something that leaves a slightly bitter taste in his mouth, despite how much his heart physically swells with the amount of love he carries in it for Liam. He’s pretty sure that very few people have ever gotten so lucky as to experience the level of love Liam and Zayn have for each other, and even now, just thinking about his husband has Zayn’s heart bursting with love and stomach fluttering with butterflies like a lovesick school kid.

Sometimes, though, the amount he loves Liam feels almost too much, like he might explode or suffocate in it. And sometimes he gets angry with himself for being so dependent on Liam, particularly dependent on Liam for his own happiness.

But mostly, he’s constantly worried that he’s holding Liam back, that Li could do so much better than him, that Li’s just staying in this relationship because he’s afraid of what Zayn will do to himself if Liam leaves him. He knows deep down that that’s not true, that Liam doesn’t feel stuck in this relationship, but Zayn can’t help thinking this.

He’ll never understand how he even ever landed a boy as perfect as Liam, but ever since they’ve been together, he feels like he constantly drags Liam down by being sad and anxious, needing Liam to take care of him, worry about him, look out for him. He faces constant self-induced guilt at trapping Liam in this relationship, especially since it was Liam’s first with a boy, and he probably wants to go off and have other experiences with other men who aren’t as needy and broken as Zayn.

Zayn knows Liam would deny it if he asked him, but Zayn’s so stuck in a cycle of endless self-loathing that he just can’t comprehend why Liam puts up with all his mental health bullshit. And even if Zayn were the cheeriest, most carefree, happy-go-lucky person out there, that wouldn’t negate the fact that nothing about their relationship has ever been easy, most of which has been entirely out of their control. It’s been a constant struggle since day one, and Zayn wouldn’t blame Liam if one day he woke up and realized that all this shit wasn’t worth it.

Again, even though Zayn knows he would never have met Liam if he hadn’t pursued a career in music, he also feels anger at the fact that being successful musicians has meant that their entire relationship developed under the intense scrutiny of scumbag, money and power hungry music executives only worried about their own success rather than the happiness of their clients.

God, Zayn always knew it wouldn’t be easy being with Liam. He’d seen the way that Louis and Harry were treated so poorly by their management, how management did everything in their power to try to break them up. He still to this day kind of wonders the legality of all of it, but apparently it’s not illegal to be homophobic if you phrase it correctly in a contract you have some underage kids sign.

Their time in the X Factor home had been especially hard for him. He’d instantly hit it off with all the boys, of course, but he was especially close with Louis and Liam. He’d felt so helpless and pathetic only being able to watch as the gross older men in charge repeatedly told Louis and Harry they couldn’t be together, that they were ruining the group’s chances at success. And they especially took out their anger on Louis, trying to squash his spirit.

It was a lot for 17-year old Zayn to witness without being able to do anything to help ease the pain his close new friend, Louis, was feeling. And it also made him so so scared of the growing crush he had on his new best friend, Liam.

He’d known he was bisexual since he was 15, and he was crushing on his female geometry tutor _and_ the boy whose locker was next to him simultaneously. Surprisingly, his family had been very okay with this. Despite their religious beliefs, they (lead by his beautiful, wonderful mum) weren’t too upset by his declaration of sexuality and still loved him regardless.

And then, right before he auditioned for the X Factor, he hadn’t exactly had a boyfriend, but he had a booty call who happened to be a boy. It was okay, considering they were both stupid horny teenage boys who didn’t really know what they were doing, but not spectacular by any means.

So when he met Liam, he was very aware of-- and fine with-- his bisexuality. But then he was thrown into an environment where the supposedly more knowledgeable grown ups around him kept telling him and his best friends there was something wrong with them, something wrong with being attracted to people of the same gender as you.

And he’s not proud of it, but he’s always been a coward. He was scared. So so scared. Because he knew management would find some way to punish him if they found out he liked boys as well as girls. So he tried to stuff down his feelings for boys and throw himself into the crowds of excited girls that seemed to follow them everywhere.

But more than anything, he was afraid of what might happen if his true feelings were discovered by the one person he both wanted to figure out his secret and also was completely terrified would find out.

Because 17-year old Zayn Malik was absolutely 1000% in love with his new best friend, Liam Payne, and he was absolutely 1000% sure that if Liam found out, he’d freak out and be so weirded out by Zayn being gay that he’d hate Zayn, leaving Zayn worse off than before when he had at least some sort of relationship with Liam.

He was hopelessly in love with Liam, and it had made the first almost two years in the band absolutely devastating for Zayn. He was totally swept up in the new found glory and fame, but underlying it all, he was never fully content because he was so terrified of his best friend figuring out his deep, dark secret.

And then of course once Liam actually found out about Zayn’s true feelings, they had to deal with the agonizingly long weeks it took Liam to figure out what he really wanted. Liam, who before Zayn had been this super heterosexual dude, had to figure out if his feelings for Zayn superseded merely platonic. It was absolutely agonizing for Zayn, the constant uncertainty of their relationship-- be that romantic or platonic-- really ate away at his insides, and this was probably the first time when he engaged in any sort of really self-harmful behavior.

Once Liam finally realized that he wanted to be with Zayn, things weren’t all butterflies and sunshine, though. They had to decide if it was even worth it to be together; after a couple years of watching the way Louis and Harry were treated by management, it was a lot to decide whether they believed enough in their feelings for each other to take on so many obstacles and so many forces hellbent on destroying them.

When they finally made it official, though, it had been so _so_ good. Zayn remembers this time happily, taking another pull of his cig and snuggling deeper into his hoodie.

Zayn finally finding out that Liam liked him as much as he liked Liam was one of the happiest moments of his life. But the initial intense happiness was eclipsed by the fact that their honeymoon bliss was only allowed to flourish for a short while; after making things official with Liam, management concocted one of their most horrendous plans.

It was terrible, probably one of the lowest points of Liam and Zayn’s relationship. Their relationship was still fairly new, and while they were entirely devoted to each other in every way, that didn’t mean they were impervious to external problems.

When they got together, Zayn was still with Perrie, and even though he had never minded being in a PR relationship before, he’d also never actually had anyone he wanted to be in a real relationship with. So there was no doubt in any of the five of their minds that the bullshit Zerrie engagement was meant as a way to cover up Zayn and Liam’s relationship while simultaneously punishing them both.

Zayn finally had someone he was in love with, but instead of being allowed to shout his love to the whole world, he had to hide behind one big, phony, heartbreakingly confining fake engagement. He had really tried to fight management on this one, but it just served to remind him of how much he was and always will be a coward; he just couldn’t stand his ground against the scary higher ups who controlled everything the five boys did.

So he had to go along with this bullshit engagement, pretending to be “happy” and “in love” with his “girlfriend” when he truly hadn’t been interested in a girl for three years, since he’d first laid eyes on Liam.

The worst part of the whole engagement, though, hadn’t even been anything he personally had to deal with. No, the worst part, the thing that made him feel unspeakably furious and simultaneously more helpless than he ever had in his life, was the look on Liam’s face, the immense hurt and infinite sadness in his eyes, whenever anyone-- interviewers-- brought it up.

Because of course no one brought it up in private, since they all knew it was fake. The only times it was actually brought up was when they were filming something, live or prerecorded, to be viewed by millions of people who would fall for this bullshit love story. And knowing that he was not only the cause of Liam’s pain but was also completely unable to comfort Liam in any way was almost too much for him.

The guilt really ate away at him, and Zayn had constantly felt so broken inside that he couldn’t deal with his own pain, let alone the hurt Liam was going through. It had almost been enough to break them apart, but as it turns out, it apparently only broke Zayn inside.

Honestly, Zayn would probably have to thank the three other boys for helping them stay sane… and together. Thinking about his time in the band, though, is only making Zayn feel worse right now. His solo career feels like it’s going to shit, and yet of course he had to bring back those painful memories of the time right before he left his four best friends.

And, shit, since he’s apparently going down memory lane right now, why doesn’t he just stick the knife in a little deeper and remember that completely awful time leading up to his departure from the group? Mentally, Zayn had been at the lowest point of his life, and he now knows that his internal suffering had taken a huge toll on Liam, who constantly worried about Zayn and felt that he wasn’t able to do enough, if anything, to help his boyfriend.

Then once Zayn officially had the go-ahead from management to leave the group, he and Liam were faced with an unexpected obstacle; they went from being together 24/7 to trying to figure out how they could maintain their relationship long-distance. And Zayn definitely had not been prepared for how hard it was to see and hear about his ex-bandmates’ success, leaving him feeling angry with himself for even feeling upset over them since he had made the decision to leave. Of course this was something Zayn had tried vehemently to hide from Liam, but Liam-- kind, caring, perfect Liam-- saw right through his facade.

Even during the whole “baby” thing-- where Zayn’s negative spiraling convinced him that Liam was only going along with that fucked up plan to either get back at Zayn for the years he had to be Zayn’s therapist, best friend, boyfriend, and rock all at the same time, or because Liam was playing some twisted game where he liked the power of only the only one who could put Zayn back together again, ensuring Zayn couldn’t live without Liam-- they had managed to spend more time together and increase communication. When faced with the biggest test of their relationship, they actually learned how to be stronger than ever before.

Deep in thought, Zayn absentmindedly twists the Cartier Love bracelet on his wrist, which he had put back on recently since he was making far less public appearances. The weight of the bracelet on his wrist serves as a sort of day collar, reminding him that he is Liam’s and Liam is his.

Seeing that his cigarette is at the butt, Zayn contemplates putting it out on his skin, relishing the thought of the pain it would bring, a welcome distraction from his inner pain, a punishment for the worry he constantly brings his loved ones. But he barely has any skin not covered by tattoos any more, tattoos which serve both as ways to prevent himself from hurting himself further but also as an acceptable form of self harm, a societally condoned way to put himself through pain.

He considers putting it out on his inner thigh since that skin’s unmarked with tattoos, but he knows Liam will see it and be disappointed in him. And one of the worst things in the entire world is Zayn knowing that he’s somehow disappointed Liam.

So he stubs it out in the ashtray and heads inside, preventing any temptation of another cig.

Still no call or texts from Liam, not that he had really expected anything else.

He just, he really needs Liam right now. He recognizes that he’s quickly slipping towards a very self-destructive headspace, and he needs someone to help pull him out. But he doesn’t really know who else to turn to, since he’s been pushing friends away for ages now, and he doesn’t want to worry his family with his troubles.

He absentmindedly wanders throughout the penthouse, straightening out (no pun intended) things and tracing his fingers over the material symbols of the life he’s built up with Liam.

He makes it to their bedroom without realizing it and lays down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling mirror. This particular part of their home had been Liam’s idea, after one time when they fucked in a bathroom and both realized how much they got off on watching it in the mirror.

Zayn doesn’t want to be creepy or pathetic, but he lays on Li’s side of the bed to smell his pillow and pretend that he’s laying there with him. He’s in one of those moods where he needs to be surrounded entirely by Li, needs him _everywhere_.

He definitely feels pathetic about his desperation for his husband, which only makes him snuggle further into Liam’s pillow and slightly grind his hips down. Even after years together, Zayn still has a hard time admitting that humiliation is a turn on for him, so he stops laying on Liam’s side of the bed only once he starts getting properly turned on from how pathetic he is right now.

Standing up from the bed, he cups himself briefly through his jeans, pressing the palm of his hand against his half-chub. He’s entering the cycle of feeling embarrassed by being turned on, but then becoming more turned on from his embarrassment, and he doesn’t want to get fully turned on without Liam here to help him through.

He doesn’t even realize where his feet have lead him until he’s standing right in front of their kink closet, a special wardrobe full of the things they use to play. It’s been awhile since they’ve played, considering that they’re been apart so much for various promos or stunts, and when they’re finally together, they just go at it like bunnies and don’t even have time to think of incorporating toys or evolving it into a full fledged scene.

But today Zayn feels fucking _needy_ , and he needs to be in that headspace where he doesn’t have all these worries, where the only thing that matters to him is that Liam’s here with him. He’s so tired of his own thoughts and worries and just wants to be peaceful. Most of all, he wants to be taken care of. He needs Daddy.

As he’s brushing his fingertips over all their toys, the Love bracelet shifts along his wrist and gives him an idea. It doesn’t even take him but a moment to find what he’s looking for; muscle memory kicks in and he knows exactly where they store the item he wants right now.

With only slightly shaking hands, he pulls out a collar, a simple thin black one, and turns it over a few times in his hands. Simply holding it makes him feel slightly more relaxed.

He eventually snaps out of his mesmerization with the collar and slowly puts it on. He’s still very much aware of his settings but it’s sort of like a nice fuzzy lightness has settled within him, a security blanket of sorts.

He rummages more in the closet, trying to decide what else he wants. His hands run along the edge of something soft and lacey, and he pauses a moment, allowing himself to linger on the expensive black fabric under his fingertips.

He’s never particularly been that into panties, but he’s definitely very much into the way Liam looks at him with such hunger and desire when he wears them, so he quickly kicks his jeans and boxers off to put on the pair of black lace panties.

As he pulls his jeans back on, he has to squirm slightly to get comfortable, trying to avoid touching himself excessively as to not increase his arousal further… at least until Liam comes home.

He sits back down on the bed, this time on his side and not Liam’s, rubbing his palms across the top of his thighs. Fingering the bracelet jangling on his wrist, he suddenly feels the desire to reach up and tug slightly on the collar, restricting his airflow for just a few moments.

He and Liam aren’t into any sort of choking kink-- Liam likes being Zayn’s Daddy, but he’s not a sadistic and has a limit to what he’s willing to do to Zayn-- but sometimes, in moments like this, when he’s alone, he likes the brief respite tugging on the collar gives him, allowing him to feel floaty and light-headed when Liam’s not around to get him there.

He’s definitely feeling better than he had out on the balcony, but he knows from experience that he needs Liam there to make it really good. Really, really fucking good. Mindblowingly good.

It’s a good thing that he never expects to be with anyone else other than Liam, because Liam has definitely ruined sex for him. Their sex is just so fucking good that he will never be able to enjoy sex with anyone else. He’ll just constantly be comparing any other partners he has to Liam, and he knows there is no way they will ever live up to Liam’s finesse.

And, even though he would still very much consider himself bisexual, just as he’s always identified, he absolutely could never be with a girl again. He’s found that he needs a big, strong man to manhandle him and fuck him hard, but then to take care of him and love him afterwards.

Even though he knows that he could never even dream about ever having sex with anyone else, Zayn feels the constant nagging in his stomach that Liam could definitely do better than Zayn. Like there are so many guys out there who Liam would probably have a better time with, if not only because they aren’t as broken as Zayn. Liam could easily get any guy he wanted, and it would be so easy for him to just leave Zayn behind.

No longer feeling any sort of arousal, Zayn now just feels silly for putting on the collar, the panties to try to impress Liam. It’s all just so dumb of him; yet another one of his stupid, stupid ideas that will only lead to him feeling pathetic and useless by the end of things.

He suddenly feels exhausted, completely worn out from all the negative thoughts he’s been juggling around for the past hour. He doesn’t want to be awake any longer, doesn’t want to have to deal with reality.

A nap seems nice. A quick little depression nap and then when he wakes up, he’ll change into something less dumb and pretend to be happy for Liam’s sake.

He curls up on top of the duvet, hugging Liam’s pillow close, and it doesn’t take long for him to fall soundly asleep.

 

~~~~

 

“Babe.”

Zayn hums through his half-sleep and nuzzles closer to the warm touch brushing softly through his short hair.

“Babe, I’m home. You wanna get up or stay asleep?”

Through his freshly awoken sleep-muddled mind, Zayn reaches an arm out, eyes still closed, and makes grabby motions until his hand comes in contact with something. By the feel of it, it’s his husband’s muscular thigh in his jeans.

He hears Liam chuckle, and he rubs his face into the pillow, hiding his smile.

“’m sleeping,” he mumbles, voice muffled by the pillow.

“I can see that, babe.”

Liam continues softly carding his fingers through Zayn’s short hair and down to cup Zayn’s jaw, his thumb stroking gently across his cheek.

He feels the bed dip as his husband presumably sits down next to where he’s lying. The bed shifts under the added weight for a few more moments until he feels Liam’s strong arms wrap around him, embracing him and pulling him close to his chest, his back to Liam’s front.

Zayn squirms slightly in Li’s embrace, feigning indifference while trying to hide his face in the pillow as to not let on the giant grin that’s splitting his face wide. Liam sneaks his hands under Zayn’s shirt, causing Zayn to shiver, and gently rubs soothing circles into the skin of Zayn’s hips and stomach.

Liam presses kisses to the back of Zayn’s neck, along his shoulder, nuzzling into the crook of his neck, and he mumbles into the warmth of Zayn’s soft skin, “how’d the meeting with the producers go?”

Zayn’s smile immediately drops into a pout, and he groans, snuggling back into Liam’s warmth. Somehow Liam’s body, despite being basically pure muscle, is the softest pillow out there, and his body always fits perfectly against Zayn’s.

“Ugh, don’t wanna talk about it,” Zayn murmurs into the pillow. He rolls over to face Liam, blinking a couple times as he fully opens his eyes for the first time since he was woken up from his nap.

“Aww, babe,” Liam says, stroking Zayn’s cheek. “I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about it.”

With one hand caressing Zayn’s jaw, Liam’s other hand strokes gently down Zayn’s back, lightly dancing across Zayn’s soft skin.

Looking into his husband’s eyes, Zayn feels suddenly inspired and acts upon his instinct before he can allow his self-doubt and insecurities to prevent him from acting. He reaches behind himself and grabs Liam’s wrist, tugging it down and forcefully shoving it down the back of his jeans.

It must take Liam by surprise, and it’s a moment before Liam’s grasping fingers find what Zayn had hoped they would. When Liam feels the lace of Zayn’s panties under his fingertips, his breath audibly catches, and his fingers dig deeper into the flesh of Zayn’s bum.

“Fuck, you’re wearing your panties,” Liam whispers, breath husky with arousal.

Zayn can feel the heat of his blush rising in his cheeks, and he bites his bottom lip as he nods, looking up at Liam through his long eyelashes.

He can feel the heat of Liam’s gaze as he leans back and rakes his eyes down and up Zayn’s body. He’s still wearing the same casual day clothes he had on, but now Liam’s looking at him as if he can see through the old t-shirt, as if he can see Zayn’s nipples perking up from the attention, and can see how the lace panties barely contain his cock and digs into his ass under his black jeans.

“It’s been awhile since you dressed up for me,” Liam says so quietly that it’s almost as if he’s merely talking to himself, his words not intended for anyone except himself, not even Zayn.

His eyes snap up to Zayn’s face, and he pulls his hand out from where it had still been playing with the edge of Zayn’s thong. He uses both of his tattooed hands to cup Zayn’s jaw, tilting his face up so their eyes lock.

“You only dress up when you wanna play, baby.”

Liam pauses, as if he’s expecting a response, so Zayn nods his head slightly. Liam gulps, causing Zayn to glance down to his throat hungrily.

The air in the room has quickly become charged with desire, and Zayn knows they should talk-- no, that they need to talk-- but talking can come later. He’s needed his Daddy all day, and he’s going to focus on that first, get what he needs, and talking can come after.

“We haven’t played in awhile.”

The sound of his husband’s voice snaps Zayn out of his thoughts and back to reality.

“We haven’t played in awhile, baby. You--- the last time we played was because you needed it. Do you need it now, love?”

Zayn nods quickly and rapidly, seemingly having lost his ability to speak right now. He doesn’t know when it started, but he’s now just staring at Liam’s thick lips, mesmerized by them.

“Zayn? Baby?”

It takes all of Zayn’s willpower to tear his gaze from Liam’s lips and back up to his eyes.

“We can play, Z, but I want to talk about whatever is going on up in here”-- he taps the side of Zayn’s head with his pointer finger-- “afterwards.”

Zayn nods eagerly, a little whine escaping from between his lips. “Need you, Daddy.”

Zayn can actually see the moment where Liam switches from his “kind, caring, super soft, sweet husband” persona into his “dominating, demanding Daddy” facade.

Liam sits up and presses his hand to the middle of Zayn’s chest, preventing him from sitting up and following him, which is exactly what Zayn had been about to do. As Zayn blinks up at him, unsure of what Liam wants from him, Liam stands up and walks away from the bed.

Glancing over his shoulder, almost as if it’s an afterthought, Liam instructs, “Take off your clothes except the panties. I’ll be there in a moment.”

Zayn rushes to oblige, yanking the hoodie off, ungracefully pulling his shirt over his head, and shoving his jeans down his legs. He lays back on top of the duvet, hearing Liam scrounge around through some drawers, but not looking since Liam hadn’t told him he could.

He’s been so, so, so in his head all day, and he tries to let go of all the stress, the doubts, the self-loathing that’s been eating him up inside. He _needs_ to get into that headspace, that fuzzy, perfect nothingness that only Liam can lead him to.

He’s so focused on, well, not focusing on anything that he hadn’t even realized that Liam’s done searching for whatever he wants and has stripped off all his clothes except for his black boxer briefs. He’s walking on his knees across the bed towards Zayn, one hand behind his back to hide whatever he’s holding.

He gets to where Zayn is laid down, throwing a leg over Zayn’s upper thighs to straddle him, sitting back gently on his legs. Zayn gulps as he watches the way Liam’s muscles flex with each of his movements. He prays to any and all gods up above for squats and the fact that Liam’s three true loves (in this exact order) are Zayn, music, and then then gym.

Then slowly, making a spectacle of it, Liam reveals what he’s holding behind his back.

Zayn swears his heart stops beating for a moment when he sees that it’s one of Liam’s neckties, one that he doesn’t wear out any longer, not since they started using it for playtime.

Of course when they started dabbling in BDSM, they had bought handcuffs, many pairs of very expensive handcuffs that were ultimately left in various drawers to collect dust after they discovered that the thing that really got them both going was having Zayn restrained by something so personally _Liam’s_. Yet another marker that they belong to each other. They’re possessive enough normally, but when they play, they get insanely possessive. It’s hot.

“Arms up,” Liam says, tapping the side of Zayn’s bicep to ground him with physical contact like he knows Zayn needs when things get intense. Zayn automatically reaches his arms up above his head, clasping them together. Liam’s practiced fingers deftly tie the necktie securely, tightly enough so Zayn’s movement is greatly restricted, but not so tight that it’s cutting into his skin.

Liam sits back on Zayn’s thighs to admire his handiwork, his eyes trailing from Zayn’s clasped hands down to his face, continuing down to stop on his chest, admiring the way Zayn’s chest rises rapidly as his breathing’s already increased in anticipation of what’s to come.

Liam reaches forward and trails a finger around one of Zayn’s nipples, close enough to cause Zayn to shiver but not close enough for any actual stimulation. He stares mesmerized at the little nub of flesh, and slowly cocks his head to the side, a vision of deep concentration.

Abruptly, he pulls his hand away and snaps his eyes up to look at Zayn’s.

“I know it’s been awhile, baby, but you remember the color system, right?”

Zayn nods quickly, his mouth dry with desire. Liam’s staring at him so intensely that his entire body shivers, and he turns his head to hide in the crook of his arm, already feeling overwhelmed purely from having Liam’s full attention.

Liam reaches down and tucks two fingers underneath Zayn’s chin, forcing him to look up and meet his eyes.

“I need to hear you say it.”

It takes Zayn several erratic breathes to form the words, “yes, Daddy, I remember.”

Liam smiles widely, his eyes crinkling with the force of it, breaking the domineering persona simply because he can’t control how happy he is whenever he is with Zayn.

His fingers are still hooked under Zayn’s chin, and he dazedly drags them along to Zayn’s arm, trailing his fingertips over the black bandana forever etched on Zayn’s skin, a black bandana to mark their commitment to each other, a black bandana to show how good Zayn likes to be for his daddy.

He continues stroking the tattoo, his eyes staring so intensely that Zayn can literally feel the heat of his gaze on his skin.

“I think….” Liam pauses, so entranced with his skin touching Zayn’s that he loses his train of thought momentarily. “I think that you’re going to make me come… three times, and only then are you allowed to come.”

His eyes snap up to Zayn’s face again, and he tightly grips Zayn’s arm, his strong hand completely covering up the black bandana.

Zayn gasp quietly and starts nodding almost violently.

“Yes, Daddy. Please, _please_ , Daddy.”

Liam smiles his earth shatteringly beautiful, wide smile again before maneuvering up and off of Zayn and off the bed. He rummages around in their bedside table for a moment before hopping back onto the bed, supplies in tow.

He deposits some things on top of the duvet that Zayn can’t see from where he’s laying down, but he doesn’t allow himself to worry about that. The whole point of this is to help center Zayn in the here and now, to prevent him from all his unnecessary worrying, so he’s going to focus on the here and now, which involves him laying on the bed, not worrying about what’s to come next.

Zayn stays still, his arms still above his head, even as he feels the bed shifting when Liam climbs on to it and moves around. He’s breathing quickly, and his whole body feels like it’s thrumming from anticipation and arousal. He’s been turned on since before his nap, and he really, really wants some sort of relief.

“Come here, baby.”

Zayn can hear Liam’s voice coming from somewhere above him, so he cranes his neck and arches his back to look, still remaining laid out on the bed. He sees Liam sitting with his back to the headboard.

It takes him a bit of graceless phenangling to sit up and walk on his knees over to Liam. He clumsily straddles Liam’s outstretched legs, his tied arms positioned in front of him so their chests can’t quite touch.

He still remains looking down to avoid Liam’s intense gaze. He can feel his cheeks heating up, something that always happens when Liam looks at him like this. He just can’t ever understand what Liam sees in him. Liam never passes on an opportunity to tell Zayn just how beautiful he is to him, but Zayn can’t see it. So when Liam looks at him like he’s the absolutely most incredible specimen to ever exist, it always makes Zayn blush ferociously. It’s just _so much_ , and Zayn’s defense mechanism is to retreat into his shell.

So he’s not surprised when he feels Liam reach up and slowly stroke his jawline, finally tucking a couple fingers under his chin and tilting his face up. Even with their faces level, Zayn still refuses to make eye contact, feeling shy and embarrassed at how needy he becomes in moments like this.

“What’s going on, Z?” Liam’s voice is so soft and full of gentleness that Zayn’s resolve breaks, and he finally looks deep into Liam’s wide eyes. “Do you still want to play? We can do whatever you want.”

Zayn swallows, staring more intently into Liam’s eyes to try clearing his head a bit from where he’s already started feeling that familiar, reassuring fuzziness. He does want to play; he _needs_ to play. But it’s all such a vicious cycle, that he gets so self-hating that he needs the sweet serenity of subspace, but he’s too full of self-hatred to know how to admit when he needs it.

So since he can’t figure out the words to ask for what he wants, he surges forward and connects their lips, kissing his husband hungrily, desperately, trying to put into it everything that he can’t bring himself to say out loud: _I’m sorry, I love you, Thank you for being there for me, I’m sorry you’re stuck with someone as broken as me, You mean the world to me, Thank you for knowing how to deal with my issues, You’re the only one meant for me_.

It’s not a textbook perfect kiss by any means-- it takes a couple moments for Liam to recover from the sudden attack and retaliate by kissing back, Zayn’s doing almost as much whimpering as he is kissing, they have to work around the fact that Zayn’s arms are tied up and trapped behind them-- but in the moment, it feels absolutely perfect to Zayn.

Liam’s hands come up to stroke up and down Zayn’s sides, his back, and finally resting on his hips, gently guiding them to rock back and forth subtly. Little whines of “Daddy” over and over fall from Zayn’s lips, but he barely even notices.

A hot pit of desperation combined with arousal builds in Zayn’s core, and he feels practically frantic to be even closer to Liam in some way. He breaks the kiss and starts sucking and nipping along Liam’s jaw and down his neck. The fun thing about their relationship is that even though Liam might be Zayn’s Daddy, they both have quite the pain kink, making things quite interesting at times.

Zayn hears a muted thud as Liam drops his head back, banging it against the headboard, moaning out with each bite Zayn attacks his neck with. Liam’s hands, which until now have been gripping Zayn’s hips with bruising strength, slide around to his back, fingering around the top of his lace panties for a moment before sliding down under his panties and grabbing his ass firmly.

“Better get started on my three orgasms,” Liam’s voice comes out deeper and huskier than normal, coated in rough arousal. “If you want me to ever help you out with… this.” Liam thrusts up forcefully to accentuate his words, rubbing their hard-ons together. Both men groan loudly at the first real friction either of them have had yet.

“Yes, Daddy,” Zayn murmurs into Liam’s neck, finishing sucking a love bite into Liam’s pale skin before moving to do as he’s told. It takes him several attempts with his restrained hands to get Liam’s boxers pulled down to mid-thigh.

It might be silly, but Zayn can’t help his mouth filling with saliva as he finally sees the sight of his husband’s hard cock. His heart is beating wildly in his chest, and he’s so attuned to every part of his body right now that it almost hurts how much his heart is pounding in his chest.

He leans forward again to kiss along Liam’s neck while he reaches down to grip Liam’s cock. He gasps wetly against Liam’s skin when he feels just how hard and warm Liam is in his hands, practically throbbing, and it makes Zayn delirious with want.

It’s definitely tricky to jerk Liam with his hands tied, but Zayn’s so full of desire that what he’s lacking in finesse, he makes up for with enthusiasm. The moans and praises falling from Liam’s beautiful, thick lips only make Zayn work harder, trying to twist and flick his wrist in the way that he knows from years of experience will drive Liam crazy.

He’s so focused on working Liam over with his hand and sucking along his neck that he’s totally caught off guard when one of Liam’s cold, wet fingers begins circling around his rim. Apparently at some point, Liam had managed to reach the lube and coat his fingers, and it makes Zayn shiver and shudder as his skin feels hot and tingly wherever it’s touching Liam’s skin.

Liam takes one big, tattooed hand to spread Zayn’s asscheeks apart while he teases the fingers of the other across where Zayn’s most vulnerable. He presses his thumb to Zayn’s taint while he sinks his middle finger inside Zayn, slowly but all in one go. The stimulation from both inside and outside makes Zayn cry out, feeling overwhelmed in the best way.

Zayn continues to suck love bite after love bite while jerking Liam off, and Liam excruciatingly slowly opens Zayn up, meticulously working him over until he can add a second finger.

By the time Liam’s up to three fingers, scissoring them expertly while refusing to touch that spot where Zayn wants him to most, Zayn’s rocking back to meet each of his thrusts, riding his fingers frantically. Normally Liam would reprimand Zayn for being greedy, taking more than Liam is willing to give him, but he can’t be arsed to stop him when Zayn looks and sounds so good working himself on Liam’s fingers.

In fact, Liam stills his hand, allowing Zayn to fuck himself as he pleases. The more Zayn bounces up and down on Liam’s fingers, the more desperately he jerks Liam. It’s all so much; the way Zayn’s desperation is so obvious, the insane heat that keeps clutching around Liam’s fingers, the high-pitched whines and whimpers falling from Zayn’s soft-looking lips, and the delicious pressure around his dick is all more than enough to send Liam hurtling towards his sweet release.

All it takes is Zayn biting down at the juncture between his neck and shoulder, and Liam’s throwing his head back, shouting out Zayn’s name as he comes all over both their stomachs.

Even through his post-orgasmic haze, his fingers buried deep inside Zayn never still, rubbing incessantly against Zayn’s prostate, causing him to shake and shudder as he feels his own subsequent orgasm quickly approaching.

Somehow, completely unbeknownst to Zayn, Liam manages to keep his wits about him enough to take the hand not inside Zayn and brings it around to the front, snugly gripping the base of Zayn’s dick and staving off Zayn’s hopes for any release soon.

Zayn can’t help the pitiful whine that he emits or the sad little squeaked out, “Daddy,” even though he knows it’s all futile. Liam gave him instructions, and they both know that right now, Zayn needs Liam to be strict with him, to control every part of him so that Zayn can let go, let go of everything tethering him down.  

“Two more, baby.”

Liam’s voice goes straight to Zayn’s dick, and he whimpers as he feels his dick twitch pitifully, unable to be pushed to the brink with the way Liam’s holding him.

Liam’s fingers inside him slow until they’re no longer thrusting in, rather just softly rubbing across Zayn’s prostate, which might be even more maddeningly arousing.

Finally, when Zayn feels as if his eyes are about to roll back in his head, and he might just explode from how much desire he is holding within his body with nowhere to go, Liam carefully removes his fingers, quickly reaching both hands up to cup Zayn’s face (regardless of the fact that they’re now covered in lube and arse) and kisses him quiet.

The kiss doesn’t last for long; they have other things to get to. Zayn silently gives a little thanks to the fact that they’ve been playing for so many years that neither of them need a lengthy refractory period, because this way, they won’t have to wait long between Liam’s orgasms, and he’ll get his relief sooner.

Liam helps Zayn swing his leg up and off his lap, and Zayn plops down on the bed, swaying and losing balance as he’s both fallen into his submissive headspace and doesn’t have the use of his arms for support right now.

He watches in silent awe as Liam gets up from the bed once again and walks over to their toy wardrobe, rummaging around for something else. With each of his movements, his back muscles ripple, and Zayn feels lightheaded with desire that he actually gets to touch Liam’s perfect body.

“On the floor,” Liam demands, not even looking back at Zayn, knowing fully well that when he gives his baby an order, his baby’s going to follow instructions.

Zayn’s legs feel like jello after he’s been fingered open for so long, so he drops to his knees on the floor with a rather loud thud. When Liam turns around to him, he’s got a mischievous glint in his eye, which makes Zayn’s heart speed up and his dick perk up in interest.

“Lean forward onto the bed.”

Zayn quickly follows orders, smushing one cheek into the bed so that he can breathe. He arches his back as he hears Liam’s footsteps approaching, hoping that he looks pleasing to his daddy.

Almost as if Liam can read his mind, Zayn hears a quiet murmur of, “beautiful” from behind him, making him practically preen under the attention. And so it comes as a surprise when Liam’s hand comes down _hard_ on Zayn’s ass, making Zayn yelp out in surprise and pain.

“Fuck,” he hears Liam say, and he arches even further, presenting himself for whatever Liam wants to do to him. Liam quickly spanks him three more times, not holding back any strength, and Zayn’s panting loudly, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, by the time he’s done.

Not even a second goes by between the last hit and Liam bending forward, kissing along Zayn’s shoulders and the back of his neck, murmuring stolen words of praise while he tenderly rubs the spots he just abused.

It’s always this shift in Liam-- one second cold and demanding, the next soft and loving-- that really gets Zayn going. It was only a few spanks-- he’s taken much, _much_ more in the past-- but the tears are now falling down his cheeks freely, just feeling so much love for Liam that he can’t contain his emotions.

He gasps wetly as Liam continues kissing his heated skin and something cold, wet, and plastic breeches his rim. He moans and pushes back, but one of Liam’s hands grasps his hip firmly, holding him still.

Zayn’s so hard it’s driving him crazy; he has been for ages now, and Liam knows what it does to him having a plug inside him. There’s something so intense about feeling so desperate to be filled that he needs a toy holding him open until Liam’s decided he’s ready to use his hole.

He wants to rock back, show Liam that he can take the entire thing, but even if it weren’t for Liam holding him still, he wouldn’t do it because he wants even more to show Liam how good he is, to remind Liam why he stays around through all of Zayn’s depressed bullshit. Zayn might be shit at most things, but god dammit, he can be good for Liam, he can be whatever and everything that Liam wants him to be.

So instead, he stays still, ab muscles quivering with the intensity of all he’s feeling and his resolve to not move. When the plug’s in all the way, he moans loudly, finally having a clear-enough head to realize that it’s one of their _round_ plugs. He knows exactly which one it is-- black with subtle sparkles. One which he had bought Liam for his birthday last year. He’d been pretty proud of himself, too, because the website had listed it as “for advanced anal players only.”

Liam moves both hands to Zayn’s hips, pushing Zayn’s arse into the air. He sits back on his heels to admire the sight before him, and it practically knocks the breath out of him it’s so beautiful.

“So good, absolutely so, so beautiful,” he murmurs over and over, petting Zayn’s sides lightly, once he hears Zayn starting to whine about the loss of Liam draped over his back like he’d previously been.

Liam swallows, taking a deep breath to ground himself so that he can stay level-headed (well, as level-headed as he can be with his beautiful husband spread out with a fucking _plug_ in him) and be the dominant partner Zayn so desperately needs him to be right now.

Maintaining some sort of skin-on-skin physical contact the entire time, Liam walks around to sit on the bed right next to where Zayn’s still pressed his front into the mattress, still crying slightly.

“Look at you, baby,” Liam whispers, his voice full of awe and admiration. “You’re incredible; the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

The way Zayn blushes deeply at his words and tries to turn his head to hide in the duvet-- which prompts Liam to reach over and tug at his hair to force his head to stay up-- goes straight to Liam’s dick, and for the second time that short evening, he starts getting hard.

Zayn’s eyes are wide, no longer leaking tears but still wet and completely breathtaking, and his full attention on Liam is addictingly exhilarating. Seeing that he has Zayn’s full attention, Liam leans back on the bed, feet still on the floor and body propped up by one elbow, and making sure to stare straight into Zayn’s eyes, licks the palm of his hand before wrapping it around his cock, tugging it slowly and lazily as if he’s really not affected by any of this.

It makes Zayn whine and clench his legs together around the plug, searching for some sort of variation to this ever present, totally consuming arousal he’s been suffocating in for what feels like hours.

The way Liam can, in moments like this, act so unaffected and uninterested by whatever they’re doing, makes Zayn feel even more desperate, and subsequently aroused for being so obviously pathetic.

He bites down on his bottom lip, hard, and only stops when he tastes the metallic twinge of blood. The pain in his lip is a good distraction from the pain in his groin, and he needs something to distract him from the sight of his husband before him, muscles flexing and rippling with each stroke of his hand.

Zayn doesn’t know what else Liam has planned for him, but right now, if he doesn’t get his mouth on _some_ part of Liam, he might just die.

“Daddy?” he manages to groan out.

If he weren’t so attuned to everything Liam does, he may have missed the half-smirk that floats across Liam’s face at having Zayn so worked up right at his fingertips.

The smirk’s gone as quickly as it came, and Liam easily slips back into his totally uninterested persona.

He takes his hand off his cock and reaches over to stroke his fingers in Zayn’s hair, twirling the short strands between his fingers and tugging slightly whenever he feels. At this point, Zayn feels like he could come just from Liam playing with his hair, but he’s not going to. No, he’s going to give his daddy two more orgasms and be the good boy they both know he can be.

“Daddy,” he says again, staring at Liam intensely and hoping that something in his eyes alludes Liam into what he’s trying to say.

Regardless of whether Liam just doesn’t know what Zayn wants or he’s enjoying seeing Zayn struggle to vocalize his desire, he says, “What is it, baby? I’m right here.”

Zayn moans and turns his face into the mattress once more, groaning out in frustration. His whole body is tingling and aching with arousal, and his mouth feels so dry with want that he can’t get the words out.

Liam pulls his hair much harder now, jerking his head up from the bed so suddenly that his chest follows and he’s now sitting back on his heels, not touching the bed at all.

“If you want something, Z, you just have to ask,” Liam says, all too smug but in the best way.

Zayn stares at Liam’s hard cock, standing up against Liam’s stomach, a little bit of precome smearing against his muscular abs whenever he moves even in the slightest. Zayn can’t help the way he licks his lips; it’s so so much. He can’t stand not having it in his mouth any more, so he blinks several times, trying to clear his head from the haziness in order to vocalize what he wants.

“Can I, Daddy?” He looks up at Liam’s face and back down to his cock once, hoping that he’s done well enough for Liam to understand and let him have it.

“‘Course, babe,” Liam says, his voice dropping the dominant-Daddy-tone and easily slipping into his regular, adoring husband tone.

Zayn happily knee-walks slightly over so he’s between Liam’s strong thighs. Liam lays back on the bed, propping himself up on both elbows now so that he can look down and watch Zayn from between his legs.

“Have at it,” he says casually, as if he hasn’t just granted Zayn permission to literally choke on his cock.

Zayn doesn’t hesitate to do just that, taking almost all of Liam’s cock in his mouth in one go, gagging a bit at the hastiness with which he proceeded, but he makes himself stay down on Liam’s erection, swallowing several times and sucking as he takes a moment to just be glad he’s finally getting what he wants.

The moment only lasts for a minute because he’s too excited to “have at it” as Liam had so eloquently put it, so he doesn’t bother starting off slow. Rather, he starts bobbing up and down on Liam’s cock at a punishing pace.

He can vaguely hear Liam cursing quietly over the wet sounds he’s making, and it only encourages him to go hard and faster, sucking mercilessly.

He’s going so fast, though, that Liam’s cock slips out of his mouth, and Zayn moves to grab it, only to be reminded that his hands are tied. It’s so _hot_ , the fact that he’s being filled from both ends and doesn’t even have the ability to freely move his arms.

Even as he takes Liam’s cock back down his throat, he wants more, wants the noises falling from Liam’s lips to be fucking loud and uncontrollable. He wants Liam to just use him, both so he can prove to Liam that he’s not making a mistake staying with Zayn and so he can get absolutely wrecked and forget everything.

He slows down, sucking on the tip, flicking and swirling his tongue. It’s so good, everything about this, so much so that he’s almost forgotten how achingly turned on he is.

Key word “almost.”

He wants to forget, though. He’s been in and out of varying stages of fuzziness since they started playing, but he wants to submerge himself entirely in that feeling, the one that is better than any drug he’s ever taken. He wants to reach that space where he worries about nothing, where he submits so fully to Liam that he loses himself. He’s simply there with Liam, for Liam, because of Liam really.

So he looks up at Liam through his long eyelashes, hollowing in his cheeks as he slowly bobs his head up and down a few times, stopping once he gets mostly all the way down Liam’s big cock. He tries to express through his eyes what he wants, and it’s really telling how well they know each other that they can nonverbally communicate like this.

Liam looks down at Zayn through his legs and has to throw his head back against the mattress, banging it a couple times, and biting the inside of his cheek so that he doesn’t come right on the spot, because he knows _exactly_ what Zayn wants right now. And it really would be a shame if he came before they got to it.

Taking a few shaky breaths and swiping the back of his hand across his sweaty forehead, Liam pushes himself fully upright, which accidentally serves to push his cock just that slightest bit further down Zayn’s throat until Zayn’s taken in the whole length, his nose nestled in the coarse hair of Liam’s lower abdomen leading down to his cock.

They maintain eye contact through the whole transition, and Liam doesn’t even blink as he grips a hand firmly in Zayn’s hair. He starts by slowly pulling Zayn’s head up part way and then thrusting up as he simultaneously pushes Zayn’s head back down all the time.

Zayn gags and chokes for a moment, and Liam waits, letting him get used to the feeling before he does it once, twice, three more times before waiting again for Zayn to accommodate the new feeling.  

Liam could scream with how good it feels, every little movement of Zayn’s throat as he gags sends bolts of arousal throughout his whole body. As he starts snapping his hips up faster and faster, fucking into Zayn’s mouth, he has to look away, because the sight of Zayn gagging on his cock-- despite, or maybe because of, his tears freely falling, a bit of snot dripping down his face, his cheeks splotchy and rosy from the exertion-- is so incomprehensibly beautiful, and he wonders for the hundredth time this evening alone, how he got so lucky to have this beautiful, fragile, submissive boy to call his own.

And the fact that Zayn looks so damn happy, serene even-- if someone can be serene having their face mercilessly fucked-- sends shock after shock of arousal through him. His thigh muscles quiver, his cock twitches and blurts out precome, his fingers even feel tingly with sensation from how turned on he is.

Even though he already came once, the sight of Zayn sitting there, plugged up from one end and choking on his cock from the other, has him coming with a groan, holding Zayn’s head down while he shoots off into his mouth.

He thrusts up weakly a few times through the aftershocks and then pulls Zayn off, gasping as the air of the room hits his softening cock, feeling even more sensitive than usual since he just came so intensely so quickly in succession.

Without Liam’s touch to ground and control him, Zayn slumps forward, pressing his cheek to Liam’s thigh, breathing heavily and coughing for awhile. Liam strokes his cheek while he catches his breath, Liam’s thumb catching occasionally against the stubble dusting Zayn’s jawline.

Liam stands up and leans over to pick up Zayn’s pliant body, ignoring how hot and hard Zayn’s erection is when he brushes his arm against it as he moves to lift Zayn. He truly doesn’t know how Zayn has managed to hold off for so long-- and without a cock ring even!-- but he’s so proud of how good Zayn’s been, and he tells him so, showering him with praises as he litters Zayn’s shoulders, neck, collarbone, ears, face, anything he can reach with little kisses.

He manages to maneuver them back onto the bed, laying Zayn down on his back and settling on top of him, placing both hands on either side of Zayn’s head to support his weight and not crush Zayn right now.

“Color, baby?” Liam asks when he sees how glazed over Zayn’s eyes have become.

It takes several moments for Zayn to answer, and when he does-- “green”--, it comes out quite slurred, but the smile that splits across his face is so wide that Liam knows he absolutely would never be able to deny his boy anything.

Liam bends down and sucks along Zayn’s jawline, biting down on his ear to elicit a loud moan from Zayn. He bites and kisses his soft skin a bit longer and admires the way Zayn stays so still underneath him. He brings a hand down to tweak at Zayn’s nipples, hoping to bring him back to earth just a bit more before they go one last time.

Finally, after he’s created an impressive number of love bites on Zayn’s skin, Liam hears Zayn’s breathing pick up and feels him squirming more, sure signs that he’s less dazed out and more ready to go.

“Daddy,” Zayn moans out on one particularly hard pinch of a nipple, and it makes Liam smile against his husband’s skin, quickly turning it into a little bite to hide it.

“Daddy,” Zayn mumbles again, sounding slightly frantic, which is basically the opposite of what Liam had hoped to get him to feel in this moment.

“What is it, Zayn? What do you want?” he asks as he pushes up to a half-push up position, just hovering over Zayn’s body, enabling him to look down at Zayn.

“My hands,” Zayn says, speech still slightly slurred but much more decipherable than earlier. He sounds on the verge of panic, and even though Liam knows he’s supposed to play cool right now, he can’t help panicking when he thinks there’s something wrong with Zayn.

He sits up abruptly, reaching down to grasp Zayn’s wrists from where they were laying against his stomach and still incredibly hard-looking cock. He fumbles quickly to undo the knots, assuming that’s what Zayn wanted, but Zayn twists his wrists away from Liam’s grip and kicks out a leg with unexpected aggression.

“No, Daddy,” Zayn says, smiling shyly up at Liam. Liam’s confused, but he allows Zayn’s hands to drop from his own. Immediately, Zayn reaches up and places his arms on the bed above his head, causing his torso to stretch and arch, putting all his tattoos on display. It’s a breathtaking sight, and Liam absentmindedly palms his crotch, staring hungrily down at Zayn’s spread out body.

It still feels too soon for him to get hard again, but it’s definitely not for lack of trying from his dick. And, jeez, it’s a good thing he needs a few more moments to get hard, because he probably would have come when his eyes finally glide up to meet Zayn’s.

Zayn must know what his body does to Liam, because the expression on his face is one of such pride, a look Liam rarely sees on Zayn’s face any longer. It’s always sadness, frustration, nervousness sketched across his perfect features. It breaks his heart to know that Zayn faces so much pain every day, and Liam hates himself for not being able to do more to help Zayn.

So seeing Zayn like this, and knowing that he’s part of the reason Zayn looks so blissed out right now, is the best feeling in the world, even better than the two amazing orgasms he’s just had.

“You’re so beautiful. I love you.”

The words slip out of Liam’s mouth unintentionally, but it never hurts to remind Zayn as much as possible how loved and cared for he is.

Zayn blushes and turns his face into his arm, hiding as he blushes deeply. In his daily headspace, he never feels worthy of love, but when they play like this, he basks in the praise, even if it still embarrasses him.

Liam leans down to kiss him for a moment, a kiss to express everything he’s feeling since they’ve never been the best at verbally expressing their feelings. It’s something Liam’s trying to work on-- not just fucking the pain away-- but right now, he recognizes how much they both need this, need to feel loved by the other, need to feel like they’re the only one who can get the other to this stage.

The kiss is short but meaningful. Liam moves down, kissing and biting his way down Zayn’s body, making sure to pay his nipples extra attention, until he’s settling snugly between Zayn’s legs, sucking a substantial love bite into Zayn’s hip, basking in the little moans and whimpers falling from Zayn’s lips. He has to grip Zayn’s hips securely since Zayn always becomes squirmy when Liam focuses so intently on working him over with his mouth.

Liam’s plan was to completely avoid Zayn’s hard prick, but it’s just so pretty-- even dark and throbbing after so long without attention-- that he can’t help giving the tip a little kiss, definitely more about the sentiment than offering any sort of relief.

He hikes Zayn’s thin legs over his shoulders and gets to work lavishing his inner thighs with marks. This is one of his favorite things to do; he loves that he’s the only one who gets to see these, that he can claim Zayn so fully but be the only one who knows the extent of that claim. 

And of course, there’s the way Zayn gets so damn loud when he does this. Most of the time, Zayn is quiet, his sounds soft and like a little secret between them. But when Liam sucks and bites his inner thighs, he gets unapologetically loud, gasping and screaming out, and it’s exactly what Liam wants right now. He wants to get Zayn to the point where he’s feeling so good that he loses all preconceptions of how he should be, and rather just _feels_.

Continuing to kiss Zayn’s thighs, Liam reaches out one hand, blindly searching along the duvet until his fingers make contact with the bottle of lube. He manages to flick open the lid with only one hand but needs both to coat his fingers with lube.

Then slowly, as to create maximum stimulation, he pulls the black plug out of Zayn, involuntarily moaning when he watches the way Zayn’s body seems to want to keep the toy in. He quickly replaces the plug with his fingers, not wanting to leave Zayn empty for any longer than necessary.

Since he stretched Zayn earlier, he starts immediately with three fingers, fucking them in quickly, amazed at how tight Zayn still is yet how little resistance his body has to Liam scissoring his fingers.

Liam stands up on his knees suddenly and reaches his free hand out to grab a pillow, sliding it under Zayn’s thin hips to prop him up.

From this position, Liam can finger Zayn with one hand and grip his own hardening cock with the other. He hisses slightly at the initial contact with his sensitive cock, but he knows from years of experience that the oversensitivity will soon be replaced by pleasure if he just keeps going. The pain only makes the pleasure that much more intense when it arrives.

He watches Zayn with complete admiration, marvelling over every shift in his muscles, every shuddery breath he takes in, every bob of his throat when he swallows. Zayn’s so responsive right now, and it just makes Liam fuck his fingers in harder and fuck into his hand quicker.

He’s so mesmerized by simply watching and listening that he almost misses the way Zayn’s body shifts from squirming on the sheets to trembling uncontrollably or how his moans shift to quick, labored breaths. But he’s so attuned to Zayn’s body and his needs that even when not paying attention, he realizes that Zayn’s close to coming, and that’s not part of the deal. He wouldn’t be giving Zayn what he needs if he allowed Zayn to come now after saying that Zayn had to make him come three times first.

So he hurriedly withdraws his fingers from Zayn’s tight heat and grips the base of his cock harshly, staving off Zayn’s orgasm.

Zayn whines loudly and high-pitched, kicking out both legs and thrashing his head back and forth at the sudden loss of his impending release.

It takes a few moments for Zayn to calm, and when he’s more in control of his body, Liam reminds him, “Z, I know you weren’t about to come. You wouldn’t do that, since I explicitly told you you had to earn your orgasm, and you’ve only made me come twice. So I know my good boy wouldn’t come until he made me come once more, right, Z?”

Whereas mere seconds before Zayn was on the verge of coming, he now looks on the verge of crying. The hardest part of this for Liam is that he knows sometimes Zayn needs him to be strict and mean, and it takes everything in his being to ignore his internal hardwiring that tells him to treat Zayn with the utmost care, to prevent him from ever crying, to rush to his side and comfort him when he’s not feeling perfectly happy.

But he knows that right now, Zayn needs order and control, needs someone else to dictate the rules and make him stick to this. And he also knows that in this headspace, Zayn becomes infinitely more expressive with his emotions, reverting almost to an infantile control of his feelings. It’s not bad; it’s actually exactly what Zayn needs, to be able to freely express whatever is going on within him unashamedly, and if right now he needs to cry, Liam shouldn’t stop him.

“Sorry, Daddy,” Zayn says in the tiniest little pathetic voice, and it sounds so broken that it in turn breaks part of Liam’s resolve.

He ungrips Zayn’s cock and rubs soothing circles into Zayn’s stomach. “It’s okay, baby. I won’t punish you now, since you’ve been hard for so long”-- he gives two quick, dry pumps of Zayn’s cock for emphasis-- “but you still owe me an orgasm, and that I’m not backing down on. That seems fair, doesn’t it, baby?”

Zayn nods so quickly and aggressively that Liam momentarily worries he’s going to give himself whiplash.

Liam cocks his head, pretending to be deep in thought. “Hmm… I think…” he trails teasingly light brushes of his fingertips down and around Zayn’s cock but never touching, only getting close enough to drive Zayn crazy with want. “I think, Z, that for my last one, I’m going to fuck you. Hard. Rough.”

He emphasizes the last two words by tugging harshly on some of Zayn’s curly, coarse pubic hair. It makes Zayn moan obscenely loud, exactly Liam’s intended result.

“ _Please_ ,” Zayn says, and his eyes are so fiery that it takes Liam’s breath away. He’s supposed to be in control here, but it’s no secret that Liam would do absolutely anything for Zayn, and he’s really the one happily submitting to whatever Zayn needs of him.

“Turn over. Hands and knees,” Liam instructs, voice cold and demanding, the epitome of “Daddy.”

Zayn scrambles to oblige, forgetting until he’s fallen on his face that his hands are tied. Of course, falling on his face only has served to push his arse up into the air, presenting a very pretty picture for Liam.

As Zayn struggles to get up on his forearms, he unintentionally arches his back and sticks out his bum. So he’s not surprised when he feels a hard smack spread evenly between both cheeks and putting the most impact directly on his crack. The spank is so hard that it jostles him forward, and he loses his balance, falling on his face once more.

His arsecheeks are burning from the hit, his face cheeks are burning from the embarrassment of not even being able to follow such a simple instruction, but between it all, he feels his cock practically _dripping_ out precome he’s so turned on.

Liam, seemingly getting impatient, grips his hips tight enough to bruise and pushes him into somewhat of a semblance of the position he had intended.

Zayn’s whole body is trembling with anticipation as he hears the familiar sounds of Liam lubing up his cock, but he doesn’t look back despite how much he wants to since he hadn’t been told he could.

Liam lines himself up with Zayn’s puckered hole, using one of his big hands to pull his cheeks apart so he can really watch as he pushes into his husband. He can’t help teasing a little, dragging the tip of his cock around Zayn’s hole for a few moments, getting it messy with precome and excess lube. It’s so fucking filthy and so fucking intimate.

Finally, feeling his body practically thrumming with want, Liam steadily pushes into Zayn. Both men groan in relief, and Liam has to use a lot of restraint to hold Zayn still, preventing him from fucking back and impaling himself on Liam’s cock. He has to maintain some semblance of control after all.

Once Liam’s balls deep, he drops all pretenses of taking it slowly and pulls out fully only to begin slamming into Zayn. It only takes him a couple thrusts to find the right angle to nail Zayn’s prostate every time. Liam partly takes it punishingly fast because he knows Zayn likes it rough, but also because if he really took his time and went slowly, like he would ideally, he’d be so overwhelmed by the tightness and heat of Zayn’s body, that he wouldn’t last long.

So he fucks Zayn hard and rough, just as promised. He keeps his hands gripping Zayn’s hips so tightly he’d wonder if it were actually enjoyable, if it weren’t for the way Zayn moans and screams out his name.

Tears are streaming down Zayn’s cheeks he’s so overwhelmed with how good everything feels, and he’s finally, finally really letting go of everything and submitting to the feeling in the here and now.

Soon even the little ability Zayn had to hold himself up with his arms restrained gives out and he collapses onto his front. Liam holds his hips in place, and now that Zayn’s face is pressed into the mattress, muffling most of his noises, the only sounds in the room are Liam’s quiet murmurs of praise which are almost entirely drowned out by the _loud_ slapping of skin against skin.

It’s ridiculously obscene, which just makes Liam’s body feel even more on-edge with arousal, his skin feeling pulled taut across the endless tingles of arousal coursing through every part of his body. His heart pounds loudly in his chest, and he’s breathing as heavily as he does in some of his most grueling gym workouts. But he never slows his hips, not giving either of them a break from the constant pleasure.

He moves one hand from its iron tight grip on Zayn’s hip and spreads it across his lower back, admiring how big his hand looks across Zayn’s slim figure. He pushes down, forcing Zayn to arch even further, making Zayn take Liam’s dick even deeper.

Zayn’s skin is so warm under Liam’s hand, and his hand slides slightly across the sweaty surface as he jostles Zayn with each hard thrust. He watches as a trail of sweat drips down along Zayn’s spine towards his neck, and Liam can’t resist leaning forward to lick it up, a moan slipping out at the salty taste of his husband. Before Zayn, he would have definitely thought licking someone’s sweat was decidedly unsexy, but with Zayn, he’s just so full of need that he wants to touch and taste every single part of Zayn. It’s almost scary how gone he is for the man underneath him. But he allows his borderline painful amount of love for Zayn to just prompt him to fuck him harder.

He leans his body forward, laying his chest against Zayn’s back, relishing in the way he so completely covers Zayn’s body. He places a hand by Zayn’s head to give him more leverage and fucks him harder into the mattress.

It’s on a whim that he moves the hand from Zayn’s hip and fingers his way up Zayn’s stomach to his neck, fingertips painting random trails across Zayn’s warm skin, greedily trying to feel everything they possibly can. He pinches and tugs harshly on Zayn’s nipples, making the smaller man arch up and press further against Liam’s body. This frees his face from where it’s been hidden in the safety of the mattress, and it’s only now that Liam realizes how much he missed hearing Zayn.

So he unhooks his arm from under Zayn’s chest and brings it around to his back, giving Zayn’s collar a short, sharp tug before tugging at Zayn’s hair as hard as he knows Zayn can take, practically matching Zayn’s moan in volume just from hearing and seeing how much it got to Zayn.

He leans back to stand on his knees and simultaneously pulls Zayn’s hair harshly to make him sit up, arching back into Liam’s thrusts. Zayn’s a moaning, whining mess, but he scrambles to put his tied hands on the bed, giving him some support as Liam pulls him into a proper doggy style position. Liam keeps his hand buried tightly in Zayn’s hair, forcing his head back and back arched.

This position allows for Liam to go as fast as he can, not holding anything back any longer, fully in control. He reaches forward to toy with the head of Zayn’s cock, which he knows drives him absolutely crazy. He smears the precome around for a moment before letting go and reaching his hand up, jamming the sticky fingers into Zayn’s mouth. Zayn eagerly opens up for them, sucking off the taste of himself from Liam’s thick, strong fingers. It makes them both feel so dirty yet so connected to the other.

Liam removes his fingers from Zayn’s mouth with a wet pop, tracing them across Zayn’s lips for a moment, savoring in the hot breathes he can feel puffing out against his hand. He drags his fingers through Zayn’s beard, enjoying the way it scratches against the soft pads of his fingertips.

He tugs Zayn’s hair harder just for the hell of it, but he wasn’t expecting it to elicit the loud groan of, “Daddy, please.”

Zayn’s wrecked voice goes straight to Liam’s dick, and he knows that he’s not going to last much longer.

“Yeah, baby. I got you, gonna take such good care of you.”

Zayn moans and whimpers at Liam’s words, and if he continues being this responsive and submissive, Liam thinks Zayn might not be the only one crying by the end of this.

With one hand still in Zayn’s hair and the other ghosting along the collar on Zayn’s neck, on one particularly harsh thrust, he unintentionally yanks Zayn up, high enough that his arms no longer can touch the bed, making him lean back against Liam’s firm stature as much as possible, and ultimately depending entirely on Liam to hold him up.

This gives Liam an idea, and he spreads his legs wider, bracketing Zayn’s slim thighs with his muscular ones. He moves the arm not in Zayn’s hair down and around to wrap around Zayn’s chest, planting his hand right between Zayn’s pecs.

Then in one fluid motion, he sits back, bringing Zayn to sit in his lap, his back to Liam’s chest. It gives Liam a position that forces his dick in as deep as he can get on each thrust, and it’s so good that he doesn’t even need to thrust as fast and forcefully as he had been. Rather, he moves his hips in little circles, dragging the tip of his cock against Zayn’s prostate the entire time.

Zayn’s a quivering, whimpering mess in Liam’s mess. Liam finally lets go of Zayn’s hair, allowing his head to drop back and rest against Liam’s broad shoulder. Liam uses that hand to reach around and soothingly stroke up and down Zayn’s thigh.

From this position, Zayn’s hot, wet breathes fall right onto Liam’s neck, and it causes goosebumps to pop up. He feels so surrounded by Zayn right now, and it’s the only place he ever wants to be.

Zayn tilts his chin up slightly to mouth wetly and sloppily at Liam’s neck; he’s so tired and been so hard for so long that he doesn’t really have any finesse, but it’s absolutely perfect to Liam.

Liam’s so immersed in the feeling of Zayn everywhere that he doesn’t notice at first that Zayn let go of where he’s been clutching at Liam’s bicep with his tied hands and has moved his hands down, trying to clasp his fingers through Liam’s. It makes Liam’s heart melt as he intertwines their fingers, Zayn’s hands sandwiching Liam’s one hand, this gentle, innocent act in the midst of a much dirtier one, and he just wants Zayn to know how much he loves him and how happy he is to be there for him no matter what.

He begins fucking into Zayn again, keeping it slow but hard. The new motion causes Zayn’s mouth to slip against Liam’s skin, now wet with sweat and saliva, so he just nuzzles into the junction where Liam’s neck meets his shoulder. He clutches Liam’s hands tighter, bringing their arms up to wrap around his chest in an embrace.

“I’m so close, Z,” Liam pants out, speeding up and chasing his final orgasm. It’s almost too much-- the heat building in his gut and spreading rapidly throughout his body-- this being his third orgasm of the night after all.

He’s not even thinking any more, just focused on how good everything feels and how full and heavy his heart feels containing all the love he has for Zayn.

Words tumble from his lips. “Fuck, feels so good, baby. You’re so good for me, always so good, Z. So fucking beautiful, I don’t know how I ever got the most beautiful person to be with me forever. Fuck, so good. I’m so close because of you, baby.”

Zayn seemingly can’t find the words to respond so he just squeezes Liam’s hand tighter and nuzzles deeper into Liam’s neck.

What finally sends him over the edge is Zayn murmuring the quietest little, “Thank you, Daddy,” and Liam’s coming so hard he sees white behind his closed eyelids and bites down so hard on his lower lip he tastes blood.

He keeps rocking up into Zayn’s unbearably tight heat for a few moments, drawing out his orgasm, before he stills, dropping his head forehead and lazily laying kisses down along Zayn’s shoulder.

“Fuck,” he whispers after he’s caught his breath, and he’s surprised how rough his voice sounds even to his own ears.

Zayn’s been so good, letting Liam get through his aftershocks, but he’s still so desperate to come, and he starts subtly trying to rock his hips back and forth, searching for some sort of friction against his erection.

It’s a slight movement, but Liam’s so oversensitive right now that he immediately notices and quickly complies by wrapping a hand around Zayn’s cock and using his other arm to lift Zayn off him. They both gasp when Liam slides out of him, but Liam keeps working Zayn over, doing his best to make it feel as good for Zayn as this whole thing has felt for him.

He gently flips Zayn over, laying him out on his back, his arms flopping over his head. He has an almost reverential look on his face, and Liam can’t help leaning down to kiss him sweetly.

Barely lifting his lips off Zayn’s, he murmurs, “you were so good for me, baby,” and he groans when he feels Zayn’s hard dick splurt out a bit of precome at his words.

He bites at Zayn’s ear, moving down to bury his face in Zayn’s neck. His hand glides smoothly over Zayn’s cock, slick with a combination of lube, sweat, and precome, and he knows that the only thing that is keeping Zayn from coming on the spot is the fact that he’s waiting for Liam’s permission.

And if that’s not just the hottest thing to ever exist….

Liam considers dragging this out now, but he knows Zayn’s waited so impressively long, and he’s been so good, that teasing can come some other time. Right now is about making his baby fall apart on his fingertips.

“You can come, Z, whenever you want,” he kisses the words into Zayn’s skin, and no sooner has the last word fallen from his lips to Zayn’s skin then Zayn’s thrown his head back, legs kicking out, and screaming out as he finally, finally gets his release.

Liam watches in complete awe as Zayn comes so hard that some of it hits his chin, and his amazement doesn’t cease as he works Zayn through it as Zayn just keeps coming and coming.

Finally when Zayn’s cock is spurting out the last little bit of come, Liam lets go, dragging his fingers through all the come coating Zayn’s stomach. It’s maybe one of the most beautiful sights he’s ever seen.

“Amazing,” he says under his breath, unable to actually think of any words to describe the intensity of this moment so he settles for this one.

He forces his eyes away from all the come, up to Zayn’s face, and Zayn’s staring back at him, but his eyes are unfocused and dazed. He’s definitely floating off in that special space, yet his eyes still track every movement of Liam’s, completely enraptured by everything Liam does.

Liam smiles so widely at him that his cheeks hurt from it, and Zayn smiles shyly back at him, taking several seconds to react to Liam but reacting nonetheless.

Liam makes quick work of untying Zayn’s wrists, kissing them both and rubbing them to help regain the circulation, not wanting to cause Zayn any discomfort, although he’s pretty sure that Zayn’s so far gone right now that he’s not entirely aware of his body any way.

After years of doing this, Liam knows better than to leave Zayn when he’s like this, so he lays down next to him, scooping him up into his arms. He reaches his arm out behind him, but all their clothes have ended up on the floor, so he’ll have to make do with what he can reach. He vows to buy Zayn a nice new duvet cover later, but for now, he uses this one to clean Zayn’s stomach up as best as he can. He knows that his own come is probably dripping out of Zayn’s hole right now, but he also knows how sensitive Zayn is to touch when he’s like this, so he leaves it be, also vowing to run Zayn a nice, steamy shower when he can stand on his own in a bit.

For now, though, he’s more than content to lay here with his husband, holding him, stroking his hair, his cheeks, his jaw, his shoulders, his back, anywhere he wants, and telling him over and over again how much he is loved.

It takes Zayn a considerably longer time than last time they played to come down, which doesn’t surprise Liam since it’s been awhile and since Zayn needed this so badly and went in so deep today.

But finally, long past the point Liam’s arm went numb from Zayn lying on top of it, Zayn starts squirming, showing the first signs of discomfort at the dried come all over his body.

Liam kisses the tip of Zayn’s nose, earning him the most heartwarming half-smile, and looks deep into his eyes once again. They still look a bit unfocused but are much more clear and alert than they were awhile again.

“Zayn?” he asks quietly.

Zayn just hums in response, laying a kiss onto Liam’s pec and closing his eyes, as if to fall asleep.

Liam chuckles lowly and tries again.

“Hey, Z? You with me?”

Zayn yawns and curls in on himself, using Liam’s chest as a pillow. With his eyes closed, he mumbles, “getting there.”

Liam loves him so much, and it’s always broken his heart having to interrupt Zayn from his potentially number one love, even over Liam: sleep. But they need to get cleaned up because Zayn will be miserable if he wakes up in a bit feeling disgusting.

So Liam sighs, trying to get Zayn up in the kindest, gentlest way possible. He sits up, wrapping his arms around Zayn to haul him up beside him. Zayn’s just dead weight, making Liam do all the work for him, but he’s trying to hide a smile, so Liam suspects he’s a bit more there then he’s trying to let onto right now.

“Let’s shower and then we can sleep,” already moving them both towards the bathroom as he says it.

He silently kicks himself for not having Zayn’s go-to post-scene snacks on hand (almonds and string cheese), but he does manage to get Zayn to drink three glasses of water once their in the bathroom.

They shower in silence, Liam only occasionally asking Zayn to turn around or close his eyes. Liam makes sure to maintain physical contact with Zayn the entire time, and most of it involves Zayn leaning against Liam’s chest any way. Liam doesn’t mind supporting Zayn’s weight; he’s glad Zayn is finally relaxing and not constantly in his head worrying about things he can’t control.

Liam dries Zayn off first, feeling a little pang in his heart at how cute and tiny Zayn looks, smiling shyly at him all wrapped up in a big fluffy towel while Liam dries himself off. It’s moments like this, even more than the great intimate sex they have, that Liam treasures the most. The little, quiet, soft domestic moments that are probably easily written off by anyone else. Those are the ones that Liam holds closest to his heart.

Once Liam has stripped the duvet off and gotten Zayn a new blanket from their closet, he leaves Zayn momentarily to literally run to the kitchen and grab them some snacks, needing to get their blood sugar up after their first intense scene in ages.

By the time he gets back to the bedroom, probably only a minute later, Zayn’s snuggled under the covers, his eyes droopy as if he’s on the verge of sleep but trying to stay awake.

Liam crawls into bed as well, pulling Zayn into his side and wrapping an arm around Zayn’s shoulders to prop him up enough that he can eat the bites Liam feeds him without choking.

Almost on cue, the moment they’ve finished eating, Zayn lets out a giant yaawn, stretching his arms over his head before rubbing his eyes. It’s possibly the cutest thing Liam’s ever seen in… well, the last three minutes for sure.

Liam reaches over and tucks two fingers under Zayn’s chin, tilting his head up to kiss him gently, just a close-lipped quick kiss that says infinitely more than he ever could vocalize.

Zayn taps lightly on Liam’s chest, gently pushing him down to lie on his back so that Zayn can snuggle in, using his chest as a pillow and wrapping his legs around one of Liam’s muscular ones.

Liam’s hands come up of their own accord to wrap Zayn into him, holding him close.

“Thank you,” Zayn whispers, finally sounding fully himself and no longer floating. He blinks sleepily and looks up at Liam, resting his chin on Liam’s pec. “I love you so much.”

Liam smiles, stroking his thumb against Zayn’s cheekbone, and whispers back, “I love you more.”

Zayn blushes, smiling wider and shaking his head.

He lays back down against Liam, about to go to sleep. But Liam needs to say something important first.

“Z,” he starts cautiously, carding his fingers through Zayn’s short hair, scratching his scalp the way he knows Zayn likes.

Zayn hums in response, not even opening his eyes. Liam can’t have that, though; this is really important.

“Can you look at me for a moment, babe?”

Zayn blinks up at him, his eyes wide and beautiful as ever.

“We’re gonna talk about this tomorrow, okay? Whatever’s going on that made you need this. We need to talk about it.”

He can see a flicker of regret and shame flash over Zayn’s face, so he rushes to add, “I loved this. Loved everything about this. But I know something’s going on with you, and we need to talk about it, not just fuck away the pain, okay?”

Zayn’s eyebrows are furrowed, and he looks embarrassed to have made such a big deal, which is exactly the opposite of what Liam wanted to happen. So he kisses him gently once, twice, three times before pulling back to look into Zayn’s eyes again.

He knows that Zayn’s not good at believing some things Liam says-- he worries Liam only says them to make Zayn feel better-- so he tries to convey everything with his eyes, hoping that Zayn can see how honest Liam is being, how much he truly does love taking care of Zayn.

Zayn must see something because his eyebrows unfurrow, and his whole expression relaxs. He lays his head back against Liam’s chest.

“Okay. You’re right, Li. I promise we’ll talk, but for now, let’s just sleep, yeah?” He turns his face to kiss Liam’s pec, and Liam isn’t going to make him talk right now, not until he’s ready and more fully himself.

“Of course, my love. Let’s just sleep now.”

“I love you.”

“I love you so so much, Z. Good night.”

Liam lays there, his boy wrapped up in his arms, and listens as his breathing evens out, quickly falling asleep. He kisses the top of Zayn’s head, holding him close.

He wants to stay in this moment forever, this rare moment of peacefulness within their crazy hectic lives where everything seems to be against them.

His chest aches with how much he loves Zayn, and he worries for the millionth time how to make Zayn believe that he’s in this for the long run. That he could never imagine life without him. That Zayn is the greatest thing to ever happen to him. That Zayn is the most beautiful, talented, amazing person in the whole world who deserves all the happiness. That Liam would do absolutely anything to ensure Zayn that happiness.

He’s been working for years to help Zayn understand, and he’ll work for years more he’s sure. But that’s okay. Because he’ll be with Zayn, and although he can’t always physically be there to comfort him, he will never ever give up on this beautiful boy sleeping in his arms.

They’ll talk tomorrow, sort through whatever happened to Zayn to make him feel like he needed to escape to that headspace he goes to when they play. For now, though, Liam’s content with just holding Zayn, knowing he’s safe and happy and that he was part of what made Zayn feel that way.

They’ll talk tomorrow, but for now, they’ll just be here with each other.

“I love you so so much, Zayn. I wish you could love yourself as much, too.”

  



End file.
